Reason Number Four Bazillion And Three Why I Hate Computer Controlled Cars

There is a reason my internet handle is Bustednuckles.
I have been a mechanic in one form or another for over thirty fucking years now.

I have worked on so many different kinds of machinery, cars, trucks, boats, equipment and Heavy trucks that I couldn’t list them all.
I got to thinking about it one day and about the only things I haven’t worked on are aircraft and submarines, seriously.

I even went back to school at 29 and got an Associates Degree in Applied Science for Automotive Technology with honors to learn how to work on computerized modern cars.
I then worked at a Lincoln/Mercury dealership for ten years.

I can say with some certainty that I absolutely detest newer cars.
They are absolutely fucking miserable COCKSUCKERS to diagnose and work on.

Today I got reminded why I quit working on the motherfuckers.

My sister in law has a 2005 Volkswagon Jetta with all the bells and whistles.

Six months ago the timing chains broke while she was trying to start it. Long story short, after days of hassling with the decision of what to do about it, she had a dealer find a used engine to put in the fucking thing.
The repair estimate was the same amount as a used engine plus removal and installation.

Volkswagon had a problem with that engine wearing out the chain tensioner prematurely and instead of coming out with a fix, they started putting different engines in them so the people with those certain model years were good and fucked.

A quick internet search on the subject will result in myriad horror stories of the $3500-$5,000 dollar repair bills and part time mechanics begging for technical help on how to replace them.

So two days ago the Sister In Law calls my wife, crying about this fucking car acting up again and showing symptoms of the same type as last time.

This is the same poor woman who just racked up $4,000 in vet bills for an old fucking cat she had that she wound up having put down anyway and who is not only still making payments on the engine swap but now has thirty grand in student loans to start paying off.

You can of course see what is coming here.

My wife started in on me to go look at the damn thing.

I have been working my homesick ass off lately and on my ONE DAY OFF, the last fucking thing I want to do is drive fifty fucking miles to go look at a car that I probably won’t have the slightest idea of how to fix if it is broken, nor the time to anyway.

So, being the nice fucking guy I am, after working until two o’clock this fucking morning, I head over there.

First, I told the wife that I didn’t have a code scanner and needed one because her check engine light is on and I need to know why.
These things aren’t cheap.

To my ever living amazement, she told me to get one!

Luckily, Harbor Freight is right on the way and just happened to have several in stock.

I ain’t stupid, I called first.
So I swing by and pick up one of these babies;

image_12019

For the uninformed, not all code scanners are created equal and those cheap fuckers you see aren’t worth spit.

This one however, has the shit ya want.
Not only will it scan the cars memory and tell you what codes are stored, it will actually let you monitor the input sensors to the computer in semi real time so you can see what the engines computer is looking at.

You can do this while driving down the road.
It will also let you capture the screen when you see an anomaly in the data and clear the codes to turn the light off.

I have been wanting one of these fuckers for years but always told myself that I couldn’t justify the cost/benefit ratio because I don’t work on these motherfuckers for a living anymore.

So, I get over there with the scanner and a stethescope to listen and see if the timing chain is rubbing on the case.

After checking a bunch of stuff out, I hook it up and tell her to start it.

It starts kind of rough and the check engine comes on right away.
Beep beep, boop boop, bingo, the computer has detected a missfire on cylinder #1.

Why?
Who the fuck knows why, it ain’t sayin’.

Could be lots of things.

I clear the code and have her start it again.

Runs like a top.

Come to find out, this replacement engine only has about twenty thousand miles on it so the odds of the timing chain assembly being fucked up are pretty slim.

I tried and tried to get that fucking thing to act up again but I will be damned if it would even sputter once.

Drove it around while watching the data parameters and everything is optimal.

Are you fucking kidding me?

One fucking time, the engine misfires for some God only knows reason, the Check Engine light comes on and and she panics, I get to spend two hundred fucking dollars on a scanner, drive fifty fucking miles on my day off and all I had to do was plug it in and clear the code.

That’s it.

NOW, do you understand why I fucking HATE computerized cars?

She thought she was going to have to have it towed to the dealer again and the engine was shot and on and fucking on and extra bonus fucking DRAMA, because the computer saw a glitch in the data stream from a fucking input sensor and OMG, ARMAGEDDON!

This is why I personally only own and drive cars that do not have this unnecessary fucking horseshit and can not, for the life of me, understand why any sane individual would buy a fucking automobile that has the computational capability to basically drive its self like they have these days.

Do you know that a POS 1990 Ford Escort had more computer technology in it than the Lunar Landing Module did?
True fact.

The shit they have out now is truly frightening to an “automotive technician”.

It ought to scare the living shit out of you as a consumer.

People wonder why it costs so much to get their fucking car repaired.
The average mechanic these days has enough technical training as a medical practitioner and has to buy many thousands of dollars of tools to keep up with the pace of technology and the ever changing fastener technology.

I want to leave you with something to think about here.
On one hand, consider all the whiz bang technology they have stuffed into the modern automobile just for the sole purpose of increasing fuel mileage.
Forget all the other electronic add ons, just fuel mileage.

Now consider this.

The Ford Model T was first produced in 1908 and had an estimated fuel economy of between 16 and 21 miles per gallon and would run on gasoline, kerosene or ethanol.
index

That was a hundred and five years ago.

The newest car I own is a 1983 GMC Caballero.caballero

GMC’s version of the El Camino.
It is in very good condition, has a 3.8 liter V6 with less than 125,000 original miles on it and got an estimate 19-21 miles per gallon when brand new. The only thing electronic on that motherfucker is the ignition.

My 1964 Sprite gets over twenty miles per gallon and there ain’t a fucking thing electronic on that little bastard.

You people just keep on buying newest and bestest computerized shit.
When it breaks down,
DON”T FUCKING CALL ME.

Spring Has Finally Sprung

It’s about fucking time too.

The weather has been perfect around here the past couple of days, mid seventies, sunny, very little wind.

I have a to do list a mile long that I need to start chipping away at.

 

I had to go buy a new lawn mower the other day because the lawn finally dried out enough you wouldn’t sink up to your ankles.

The old one was a gimme from my buddy off Craigslist and looked almost new, all I had to do was get a cable for the kill function to make it run.

It worked fine for a long time but started having carburetor problems that got progressively worse to the point ya had to hold the little primer bulb in for it to stay running. I replaced it once and that cured it, so I replaced it again but no dice this time.

 

If there is one thing I despise, it is working on a fucking Tecumseh lawn mower engine. I have hated those miserable motherfuckers since my small engine class in High school and refuse to spend much time fucking with one. They are garbage.

Briggs and Stratton guy all the way.

 

So I get on the internet and do some price comparisons and availability in my area.

Wally World has some inexpensive mowers but they are all Murray brands.

 

Murray is OK if that’s what ya have but they are kind of cheap and don’t seem to last very long.

I finally  broke down and checked out Sears.

They had a rear bagger on sale for $195 and are close by.

 

So I buzz on over and start looking around. Of course I can’t find it on sale there.

Two chicks walked up and asked me if I needed help and kind of startled me, I had seen them and thought they were customers.

I tell the older lady about the sale price and here we fucking go…..

To start with, she is a middle aged blonde who doesn’t know Jack Shit about lawn mowers.

She also doesn’t know Jack Shit about the sale prices, because they are internet website specials.

 

So she gets on the internet and I guide her to the one I am talking about.

She walks me by about twenty fucking lawnmowers, weed whackers and roto tillers and there it is.

The sale price is a whopping five fucking dollars difference.

The deal is, I can’t just hand them my debit card and walk out with the fucker. Oh, Hell No, that is just too fucking easy!

 

One does not

No, she has to do it over the internet to get that price.

So we start in with my Email address and yadda fucking yadda yadda.
Ten minutes later, no thanks, I don’t want the fifty fucking dollar extra special warranty. I just want to get the mower and go home now.

Now she want’s my address. OK, THEN, she tells me that because it is a web transaction that it is going to want to have it delivered but she will take care of that and I just need to drive around the corner to Will Call and grab it.
Fine,Kthanksby.
I get around there and that turns into another clusterfuck.
Ya gotta scan your receipt to have the guy get your shit but it won’t scan mine. Another guy walks in, scans his and immediately gets bumped in front of me.
Now I am getting seriously irritated.
All I wanted to do was go buy a mother fucking lawn mower and get out!
Finally the kid gets to me. He goes in back for five minutes and comes back with my mower, in a box.
I knew that was coming. Knew it.

He then explains to me because Blondie up front did it like it was a delivery the computer didn’t recognize my receipt.
Do you see what is coming yet?
I did.

So we load the fucker up, I go home and unload the heavy fucker by myself and then spend a half an hour putting the cocksucker together.
I will give them credit, it was simple enough, they provided the oil and the damn thing started on the first pull.

Two days later the truck shows up.
Bigger than shit, they tried to ship me another mower.

facepalm

I’m Getting Closer!

One of these days…….

This is a screen grab of my Stat Counter of a recent visitor to my Blog.

I know that this isn’t an exact location for whoever visited but ya never know. whoever it was is using an Android.

Clickie to make biggie.

whitehouse

Update;
If you look just to the right across the street from the North lawn you will see the U.S. Department of Treasury building.

Yeah, they have been hanging around lately too, from a couple of different ISP’s.
Ya think maybe I pissed somebody off finally?
Not a lot of people know that the Secret Service is part of Treasury.

Must be updating their list again.

My Kind Of Joint

Ahhh, there is nothing quite like a good dive bar.

A nice, seedy little hole in the wall where you don’t dare leave your money on the bar and you don’t sit with your back to the door.

I have spent most of my adult life in places just like that and would feel right at home at this place.
My hat is off to the proprietor for giving advanced warning to any foolish tech geek who might stumble into his place of business unawares , wearing a pair of these when they become readily available;

o-SERGEY-BRIN-GOOGLE-GLASSES-570

Google Glass won’t be available to consumers for months, but there’s at least one Seattle bar where the eyewear will not be welcome.

The 5 Point, a self-described dive bar in Seattle’s Belltown neighborhood, posted a notice to its Facebook page this week telling Glass Explorers looking to grab a pint that they will need to remove their $1,500 spectacles. The story was noted today on GeekWire.

“For the record, The 5 Point is the first Seattle business to ban in advance Google Glasses,” the post reads. “And ass kickings will be encouraged for violators.”

“I’m a thought leader,” deadpanned Dave Meinert, the bar’s owner, in an interview on Seattle’s KIRO-FM. “First you have to understand the culture of the 5 Point, which is a sometimes seedy, maybe notorious place. People want to go there and be not known…and definitely don’t want to be secretly filmed or videotaped and immediately put on the Internet.”

Meinert admitted he was having a bit of fun: “Part of this is a joke, to be funny on Facebook, and get reaction.”

“But part of it’s serious,” he continued, “because we don’t let people film other people or take photos unwanted of people in the bar, because it is kind of a private place that people go.”

My bold.
Told ya, my kind of place.

People that frequent these types of establishment want to be left the fuck alone in the first place and if some dickhead with a pair of glasses that can take pictures surreptitiously decides to start disseminating peoples faces on social networks like Faceschmook, then there is most definitely going to be privacy issues.
Not to mention the afore mentioned ass kickings. I know I wouldn’t want a bunch of pictures of my sloppy drunk ass being posted on the internets.
There are enough of those already in private hands to go around.

Good for this guy for jumping out in front of this issue.

H/t Fark for the link.

Check One in The Win Box

Finally, finally, I got the fucking wipers working in my POS El Camino, thank Google.
The fucking bastards use the wiper switch as a variable ground.
No wonder putting power to the fucker didn’t work.
I finally found an El Camino site that has a chat room and someone had the same problem and Lo and Behold, some guy laid it out nice and neat.

Thank you, car guy.

The evil fuckers use one, damn near impossible to find bolt, as the ground at the wiper motor it’s self and I dropped two of them down the fucking inside of the fender/ firewall and it took me an hour to try using a telescoping magnet, take the fucking inner fender off,laying on the floor, to find a cute little sheet metal pocket at the bottom of the firewall made exclusively just to catch the fucking bolts you drop trying to replace the wiper motor.

I have often wished for a painful death for certain automotive engineers but this one just went to the head of the line.

Fucking ignorant, stupid fucking asshole sonofabitch dickhead motherfuckers, why in the world could you not use the bolt at the very top , where you can actually see it, to use as a fucking ground?

Kill death murder.

Anyway, one down.
Back to the tranny leak, the fucked up flywheel and oh, yeah, the dirty sonofabitch heater motor, which is brand new, that doesn’t work.
More electrical trouble shooting.

By the way, you have been paying attention and know that it fucking snowed here a couple of days ago, then we were so lucky as to have freezing fog the next morning.

Did I forget to mention that the new wiper motor did not include the wiper washer motor?
That’s another seventy five bucks and ya gotta take the fucking motor back out to install it.

That shit ain’t gonna happen, I am going to NAPA and buying an aftermarket reservoir with a pump in it and mount it under the hood .

Next on the list is putting the instrument cluster back together and digging a big hole in the back yard just in case I ever run into the fucking assholes who went home one night over thirty years ago and bragged to their wife what a great idea they had that day.

1984 Rules the World

Forget thought crime, this shit is getting serious, welcome to the future.
It’s not bad enough the State can cruise through a parking lot and scan every license plate at fifteen miles an hour, or fifty, for that matter.

It’s not bad enough that there are traffic camera’s every where you turn, Arizona has them every half fucking mile in the middle of the fucking desert, Britain has them in bars where it is now Verbotten to wear a fucking hat or sun glasses because they demand to positively identify you sipping a motherfucking beer,they went so far as to outlaw real glass beer containers and real metal knives and forks two years ago in bars.
Now, George Orwell should be spinning about two thousand RPM in his grave, they took that concept and ran hard.

Now get this.

I can see prohibition Moonshiners circa two thousand fucking thirteen making a mint in Jolly Old England next year.

Really.

If you try to put gasoline in your car, at say, eight fucking dollars a gallon and the pump is connected to Big Brother, if you don’t have car insurance, they will shut the pump off remotely.

I suppose some burly dudes in a big box van with machine guns won’t be far behind to throw you on the ground to help you separate your shoulder with a knee in your neck and your elbow somewhere between you and the moon.

No fuel for you, ya piece of shit that is trying to get to work,a hospital,or God Forbid, an appointment with the motherfucking government.

Look for this to come to a fucking gas station near you soon.

When I was a kid, they gave you laundry soap, dishes, glasses or Green Stamps for doing business with them and checked your oil, cleaned your windshield and checked the air pressure in your tires just for doing business with them instead of the guy down the street. Now they are going to call the STASI on ya without lifting a finger.

Papers, Citizen?