I Knew I should Have Got The Phone With A Camera.

Let me tell ya something.
You haven’t fucking lived until you have been inside a fucking WalMart at midnight on a Friday night.

Words will never do that experience justice.

Holy shit do they come out of the woodwork.

Walmarts give me the fucking creeps in the daytime to begin with so you know I had a damn good reason to go to one that late at night.

I always park a goodly distance from the front door when I have to go to one just because you never know what kind of freak job is going to come flying out of one with security hot on their heels.

Unfortunately for me, when I get off work there ain’t a damn thing open around here unless you want some beer ,cigarettes or a gallon of milk.
That makes it kind of tough if you happen to remember there was this doohickey you wanted to pick up on the way home.

I was wanting a set of hinges for a little project I have planned out in the Man Cave tomorrow and I didn’t want to have to get up and go drive around first thing to aquire them.
Hence Wally World at midnight.
So I get to the front door and they are streaming in and out.
You know exactly what the fuck I am talking about.
It’s like someone dropped off an entire trailer park right in front of the fucking place and I know about trailer parks baby.
So I get my Don’t Fuck With Me Asshole face on and venture in.
About thirty feet in, I start hearing a bunch of cheering.
WTF are these freaks cheering about, I wonder. Is there some kind of special Wally World entertainment in progress?

I get to the middle of the checkout lanes and here is over twenty five people lounging around watching a god damn big screen television!

OhhhhhhhKayyyy.
Quickly man, get in and out quickly.
I double time it to the far reaches of the fucking place because I have never, ever found one motherfucking thing I have ever been there for, that wasn’t as geographically distant from the front door as possible.
Some poor old grumpy bastard was stocking shelves so I asked him where the hardware is and he grunts and points to the next to the last aisle, in the farthest corner from the front door.
Cool.
I zip down the aisle, snag the hinges and a couple of “L’ brackets just for shits and grins and start booking back up front.
Of course you know what is coming now.
Actually, this time they had two checkers.
I get in line behind this short little dark skinned fella who is standing there, eating out of a big bag of chips he hasn’t paid for yet.
He offers to let me go in front but I told him I wasn’t in that big of a hurry.
That’s because I am now trying to count how many of the goofy fuckers there are watching this television since I went by and I lost count at thirty three.
Can you fucking imagine that?
Over thirty people, sitting and standing watching television at midnight, inside a fucking store!

That’s just a bit much and it didn’t help matters that most of them looked like refugee’s from the local psych ward either.
I finally got the fuck outside and started to heave a sigh of relief, when I spot three local cop cars parked nearby.
Great, now what.
I strolled down the parking lot to the Rat Mobile and here are two more of them with the cops standing halfway out in the way, one car back and across from me.

Sweet Jesus, it just keeps getting better.
They are giving some kid the third degree and not paying a bit of attention to what in the fuck is going on around them.
I get in, start the ugly bastard up and floor it.
They noticed that shit all right.
All parties involved scattered for cover.
Assholes anyways.
I let it idle down, turned on my signal to back out of a fucking parking spot and pulled out, straightened ‘er up and idled off. I could see them talking into their shoulder as I motored off too.
I idled through that huge parking lot, used my signal at the light and then motored on down the road home.
No use giving the bastards something to do.
If I would have had a camera, you would be able to see why words cannot convey the sights I saw tonight.
I should have gotten two sets of hinges, just in case.

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7 thoughts on “I Knew I should Have Got The Phone With A Camera.

  1. First of the month, the checks are in.

    Cousin of mine absolutely refuses to shop at Wally World -and there isn’t much else around here. He’ll do without or drive 100 miles first.

      • Actually, what you walked in on was probably a “Twilight Movie Release” screening. Our local Target and the Wally Worlds set up big screen TVs and chairs or benches and let people sit and watch the movie. Then at midnight (the official release date) they can offer the movie for sale. Just another sale gimmick.

  2. I live two blocks from a WalMart. The “walkers” are up and down my street all hours of the day and night. And, like your location they really come out to the woodwork on the first of the month. These are the very same actors that will be in all the mob scenes in the Zombie Apocalypse if their checks get cut off for any reason…scary.

    They mostly look like Obama voters to me lol

    I enjoy your blog, keep up the good work.

    -Moe

  3. I’d like to say I’m like Sixbears cousin and that I never shop at Wally Werld but I have shopped there. Fortunately here in the wilds of middle Tennessee there are other options MOST of the time. The last time I WAS in Walmart I saw all those folks you were talkin’ about … but instead of ’em all watchin’ The Big Screen … there was a fuckin’ Tennessee Hillbilly Trailer Trash WEDDING goin’ on … in the middle of the store! SHEESH! She was of course wearing white!

  4. Of course for those of you who don’t know what ‘nucks is talkin’ about, check out People of Walmart.

    As for me, I shop at Walmart, but only ’cause that’s the only place to buy motor oil herebouts that isn’t marked up 100%. Everybody wants $30 for a jug of oil that costs $15 at Walmart. Yeesh! But I try not to go more than once a month, ’cause every time I do go, I want to gouge my eyes out. The horror, oh the horror!

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