Fuck me, I hate this time of year.
I swear, the fucking morons in this country spring up out of the ground.
Christmas shopping is high on my list of things to avoid until it gets to the point of no return. I figured I would cut a fat hog in the ass yesterday and beat the rush, for once.
I went to,dunt dunt duhhhhhh, “The Mall”, on a fucking Tuesday, at noon.
I am beginning to suspect someone is lying to me about the unemployment rate in this country, the fucking place was packed!
Don’t these people have jobs?
Jesus Christ I swear I could feel my IQ drop about twenty points just pulling into the parking lot and let me tell you about the parking.
There wasn’t any unless you planned on taking a liesurely hike in the rain.
The one spot I did find was right between some Joe Bob motherfucker in a one ton Ford extracabfourbyfourpowerevrythingjackeduptotheskyheadrackrollbarspotlights fucking truck that Joe Bob obviously has problems squeezing into a standard parking space because it is two pounds and one foot shy of being a fucking Tractor Trailer and a God damn curb.
I wound up with both passenger side tires up on the fucking curb just so I could get the door open to get out.
Then I had the distinct pleasure of going into a big name electronics store and trying to find a competent sales person to go retrieve what I wanted before I set foot in the place but knew they would have to go in the back room to get.
That poor fucking kid. I watched him try and flag down no less than four other sales associates because he didn’t know where they were.
It would be too much to ask for the motherfuckers to have shit they have a million sales flyers printed up for on the fucking shelf.
Then it was the requisite twenty straight NO answers to whether or not I want to add this or that feature or pay some ridiculous amount equal to half the purchase price for some extended fucking warranty.
Just swipe the damn card kid if you want to be able to eat solid food for Christmas because I can feel the tic under my left eye starting to twitch.
Of course, when I finally get out of that mad house, Joe Bob has managed to get his monster truck extricated from the parking spot, leaving my ratty old El Camino sitting there up on the curb looking like a blind lunatic parked it.
They would be half right anyway.
Then I had to go back across State lines,to visit my Mom who just had quadruple by pass surgery last Thursday.
I’m not stupid, I went to Oregon to dump a buttload of money on one present because I don’t see the need to give Washington State almost NINE percent sales tax on top of the original expenditure.
That shit adds up in a hurry on major purchases.
So I whip into one of the myriad FULL parking lots at the hospital, praying Joe Bob had other places to be, when I get trapped behind six other cars and the two who were right on my back bumper.
Some complete fucking moron is sitting around the corner, I can see him, sitting in his fucking car. Just sitting there.
I figured he is waiting for someone to pull out so he can grab the spot.
After three full minutes, he gets out of his fucking car, walks two cars back, says some God damn thing and then gets in his fucking car and drives off!
What The Fuck Was That?!
Now that we have a full blown traffic jam in this narrow fucking assed parking lot, he just drives away?
By now my left eye is twitching uncontrollably and I haven’t even gotten out of the damn parking lot yet.
I finally found a half hour only parking spot, next to a curb of course and just for fun pulled both drivers side tires up on the motherfucker to even things out and went inside to visit for a few minutes.
Mom is doing as well as can be expected after having major surgery and we had a nice, short visit.
I can’t wait for Saturday to go finish my Christmas shopping, it’s just not the same being sober.
At least when I was drinking heavily I let most of the really irritating shit just slide.
This year,for self preservation reasons, everyone else is getting a fucking gift card.