My Man Card Just Took A Double Punch

God damn, this is embarassing .

As you probably know, I have been a mechanic for the last thirty odd years.

Over those years I have accumulated literally tons of tools.

Tons as in thousands of fucking pounds of tools.

I have three full sized Roll Away tool boxes full.

I also have six or seven smaller tool boxes, all full, some of which are too fucking heavy to pick up and walk around with.

I have tools running out my ass, they are everywhere.

It would cost way the fuck over a hundred grand to replace them all.

To go with that, I also have an extensive collection of various fasteners.

Nuts, bolts, screws of every description and miscellaneous shit like hose clamps, etc., etc., etc..

Just last weekend I was working on my Sprite and couldn’t find some special interior screws and a couple of hose clamps I thought I had.

Let me explain that my garage currently looks like a fucking bomb went off and a hurricane came after just to stir it up real good. I haven’t had time to straighten the fucker up since we moved because I have been working so many hours.

Anyway, I went to Ace hardware and spent over a hundred motherfucking dollars on hose clamps, nuts, bolts and other shit to work on this damn car with. I also special ordered fifty fucking dollars worth of those special screws at FIFTY FUCKING CENTS APIECE!

Five little boxes worth.

Today, I am piddle farting around organizing shit out there and The Wife comes out with a broom and a mop and informs me she wants me to put some nails in the sheet rock in a rental house to hang them on.

Uh, no ma’am.

There was a molly screw where she wanted to hang them, except the actual screw was gone.

Now, do you think for one fucking second I could find a screw to fit that sonofabitch in ALL the shit I have out there?

Fuck No!

I did find ONE Molly screw in all my crap and thought I was shitting in tall cotton.

I found a small, thin board, stuck a couple of long deck screws in it and drilled a hole for the Molly screw at the top in between them and threw it up on the wall.

This is the condensed version, first I had to sort through all my tools.

I stuck the broom up there and WHOOPSIE!, the fucking thing pivoted on that one screw and the broom fell off and hit me in the forehead.

Now sufficiently motivated, I endeavored to find another Molly screw.

An hour I looked . I dug through every fucking box, bag and junk drawer I have.

No dice.

Forced to swallow my pride and admit defeat, I head to Bi Mart to obtain some fucking Molly screws.

That’s one punch on my man card.

Grumbling and muttering under my breath I head straight to the hardware section and grab a small box of the fuckers and head to check out.

A whopping dollar fifty one including tax.

I dig in my pocket and come up with fifty eight fucking cents, including a butt load of pennies.

No fucking cash on me.

I had to dig out my debit card for a dollar fifty one.

Punch number two.

To be honest, I probably had that much change in my console but I wasn’t walking back to my car to get it.

So three hours  and two nut shots later, my lovely wife can hang her fucking broom up.

I did manage to find another butt load of tools I had been looking for though….

Have a nice day and thanks fer stopping by.


3 thoughts on “My Man Card Just Took A Double Punch

  1. While my pile of tools and doo dads isn’t quite as extensive as yours, I find myself buying stuff that I know I own . . . somewhere. Doesn’t help that I had house sitters last winter and gave them permisison to move some of my stuff out of the way. Then my daughter moved back in and buried my stuff under her junk.

    Took me hours to find two screws with the right thread to put on a bike rack. I refused to drive into town for two little screws that I know I know I had somewhere. The two I found weren’t even from the right area -just a couple of strays.

  2. Yup, got my building full of tools -n- hardware.
    Need sumthin ?
    It’s In a box or bucket sumwheres out there…
    How much time ya got ?

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